It's been a while since I posted anything here. At least just to talk and not "express" something arguably artistic or "vital". It's been a year and a half since I came back from England... I think... It feels like ages since and a lot has happened.
It's been a pretty rough year.
I had to leave my studies because of the economic crash, it hit us Icelanders pretty bad but I don't think it's as bad as we are meant to believe. Of course it's incredibly hard on some people, some people less fortunate or who had made some silly decisions (but seemed quite normal at the time). But most people still have a job, still have a home, still have family and friends. The world isn't ending.
I stopped watching the news some years ago and stopped reading the newspaper. It could be that I am just naive and lost on some things that are happening in the world and in Iceland because of this. But all I can see is that my immediate surroundings aren't changing that much but for good.
People are re-evaluating their lives and their values and friends are becoming closer and families as well. People enjoy the company of other people more in these times of uncertainty.
Personally I've had real problems re-evaluating my situation.
When I realised I had to quit my studies because of money I couldn't believe it. A big part of me was distraught, to have to leave what I had been working on for two years, to leave my preferred education that had given me so much. But a part of me felt incredible relief, the pressure of having to succeed had been lifted.
You see, I have never really believed in myself, not in the 'go-getter' kind of way. I believe in my humanity and my values towards other people but I've never considered myself a success. I've always been mediocre in my academics and have never excelled at anything before. I left college because I couldn't see myself ever graduating. I got accepted into my university as a mature student and thought I had fooled the Icelandic educational system (which I severely disagree with).
Anyways, having to come back home to live with my mum and work at my old job and break up with my boyfriend at the time... I felt like a loser. It's pretty much the definition of loser in the "social structure dictionary" (if there was one).
At first I was still powered by my practice as a Buddhist and kept a strong front. Smiled and believed that something good would come out of this and that I would find a new focus or a real focus. I was firm in my belief that since this was FATED to happen that the fates had something better in store for me.
As the weeks went by and my confidence dwindled this soon became an act. The smile became a mask, an incredibly heavy mask.
For those who know me, I am probably a big whiner I know. But I try to keep my suffering to myself, and that is what I have been doing: suffering. Mixed up with all of my complexes with self esteem and anxiety was big philosophical ideas I had studied. Existentialism. It became a disease in my psyche. At night when I would lie in bed trying to fall asleep I would constantly think about the pointlessness of it all, how unfair it was... It was supposed to be MY big break... to finally prove myself to my family and friends and not-friends. I had been so close to validate my existence to the world and show everyone that I was just as good as them and I could stand proudly next to my siblings and say "I am equal". And it had been taken away... taken away from me. Me the loser. I the Loser.
It just grew and grew in my stomach and chest and head and until recently I have been very depressed. Old thoughts I thought I had long since outgrown came back. A deep want to not be anymore. This feeling of utter helplessness.
Needless to say, my relationships with other people started to unhinge. I stopped being able to be around people without having spiky butterflies in my stomach. Any attempt at romance became a catastrophe that just left me even colder.
Something has to change.

It's funny thinking about human feelings and perspectives. How quickly they can change.

At this moment right now, I am not better. But I feel good tonight.
I have resigned myself to face myself. To deal and to become fully me. Me!
When I think about my emotional/mental self I see an image of a body that was thrown out of a car during a crash. I see a bloody mess on the side of a street. It took me a while to see this but now I see my wounds and breaks. I am intent on retrieving this body and give it the proper care so that it will become a healthy and whole being. This is why I feel good tonight, this idea of progress.

My name is Haffi, and I am going to be whole. I am going to enjoy life. I am going to love life. This is all that matters.